July 13 2017 – Click here to listen
I received the following letter from a friend yesterday after he read my post on forgiveness:
“Bob – Great timing on this one. My wife and I struggle (her way more than me) with forgiveness of others. She REALLY struggles with the forgetting part of the equation.
She and I were literally talking about this last night and how I think once you forgive and forget, you move on and try to make amends with whomever hurt you. She’s of the thought that even though she forgives/forgets, she still wants nothing do to with the person that wronged her. Especially if that person denies any wrongdoing.
My question is, do you have any references (bible or personal) that speak to this? She is of the mindset that even though she’s forgiven someone, she wants to mitigate any potential future issues so she just avoids these people. The bad news is most of these people are in her family, and mine. For the sake of our kids and future generational vacancies in family relationships, I think it’s important to mend the fences. It starts with us. Needless to say, we were at odds and decided to “agree to disagree”.
The struggle is real! Have a great day and I’m looking forward to what you have to say.”
One of the most difficult things I ever did was forgive my father some years back. I confess that I only did it because I was under conviction from the Lord and could not get the verse in Matthew 6:15 out of my mind – But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins . . .
I was very bitter towards my father for the abuse that I endured from him during my childhood, and I wanted nothing to do with him. But the Lord convinced me that I needed to forgive him and move on. When I told him that I forgave him, to put it mildly he told me that he did not desire forgiveness, and further stated that he had done nothing wrong and had done the best he could in raising me. Nonetheless, after forgiving him I felt greatly relieved and a heavy burden was lifted from me that day. I could not forget what had happened in my youth, but decided to let it go anyway.
When I make up my mind to do something – I do it – and after that apology no matter where I might be in the world I dutifully called him every Sunday afternoon for nearly 15 years until his death. I did not enjoy talking to him on most of the calls, especially in the beginning, but felt I needed to be sincere in my forgiveness. After a while we both warmed up to it and it got to the point if I did not call by a certain time he would complain.
I also flew him down to my home in Florida for weeks at a time, and visited him at his home in Mississippi. It was very meaningful to him, especially after my stepmother died and he was alone. Before he passed away we had bonded to a degree, and when he turned 92 years old from his hospital bed for the first time in his life he told me that he loved me and was proud of me.
Not long after that his health began to fail and I took care of him and put him in assisted living, (he refused to move to Florida.) And then he went home to be with the Lord.
I’m exceedingly glad that I forgave him and formed a relationship with him and it was well worth the effort it required.
I had a step mother-in-law who was the biggest trouble maker anyone could ever find. She even got kicked out of her church for stirring up trouble. She loved strife and especially enjoyed starting squabbles in the family. We never got any peace, because she was constantly making up lies and starting trouble at every turn. Finally, after several years of putting up with ruined family events and holidays she pulled one shenanigan too many and I exploded. I told her to get the heck out of my house and never set foot in it again. And from that moment on I would never allow her to do so. My life vastly improved. She moved on to making other people miserable right up until the day she passed away. From what I understand not many showed up at her funeral.
I know that had I continued to be around her I would have endured nothing but strife. Avoiding her like the plague left me in peace and I did not feel as though I was under conviction from the Holy Spirit to reconcile. In fact, I felt more at peace than I had in years as did other members of the family.
So, was I justified in what I did?
In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus was quite specific about dealing with difficult people in love and humility: “But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you” (Luke 6:27–31). “Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing” (1 Peter 3:9).
There is a caveat to this dilemma. Because of our Christian teaching on humility, self-sacrifice and kindness, we sometimes get the impression that to set boundaries of any kind with these people is wrong, and that we must take whatever they dish out. I do not believe this is so.
When we give abusive and vicious people permission to repeatedly sin against us without consequence, we enable them to sin. There are times when the best thing we can do for that openly sinning person is to part company with them. When we do this, we deny the person the further opportunity to sin against us. This helps us to forgive them and cut off further chances for the enemy to take advantage of the situation. Simply said it might be best to avoid the situation altogether by choosing carefully whom we associate with: “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered” (Proverbs 22:24).
So, in answer to my friend and his wife’s debate and his letter asking me to referee, I say in answer to him – Yes! And in answer to her I say – Yes! I’m glad I forgave my father and worked hard to form a relationship and I’m glad I cutoff that witch from brewing her hatred around my family.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot, if it is someone in your church causing the problem, God gave us some direction there too. Might try that as a good method to resolve it outside of the church too . . .
Matt. 18:15
If your brother sins against you, go and confront him privately. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, regard him as you would a pagan or a tax collector . . .