I was looking through some old papers this weekend and I stumbled across my brother’s suicide note. It was an emotional experience to see his handwriting again and even more so to read of the anguish that he experienced just prior to taking his own life.
I relived those horrific moments as I read his letter and tears streamed down my face as I envisioned Jim trying to put to words the torment that he felt as he tried to explain and make some kind of sense out of the senseless act that he would soon perform.
I was told by one of his daughters that she had seen the beginning of his suicide note three days before he killed himself which indicated to me that he’d put some thought into it. Unfortunately she didn’t report it to the authorities or me because he’d threatened suicide many times before, and she was not convinced that this time was any different and was probably just another empty threat; (something she has to live with the rest of her life).
After reading it I reflected upon its content and I remembered how troubled I was when I initially read it and discovered that not one word was addressed to me or to my father. Jim only spoke to his (third) wife who was leaving him, his son by that marriage, and his two daughters by his first marriage. He talked about how his five year old son Little Bob’s death had severely impacted his life and he just could not get over it, as well as his failed marriages, the devastating impact that being forced to retire had on him, and his current wife leaving him which meant another failed marriage and being alone, (something that terrified him).
At the time of his suicide I was as close to God as I’d ever been. I couldn’t understand why the Lord would allow something so devastating to happen to me and couldn’t help but wonder why He’d singled me out for punishment. I’d experienced tragedy in my life, but nothing of that magnitude. My heart was broken and I was searching for answers.
As I read Jim’s letter, his was an impassioned plea to his daughters and third wife that they put aside their differences and become a happy family. That didn’t happen, but that was his last earnest wish.
As I pondered my question of why God was punishing me, I began to understand that his suicide was not about me. It certainly impacted me as being the absolute worst experience of my life, but in reality I was not center stage.
I think sometimes we tend to think we are at the center of the Universe and everything is about us, but it’s not.
I went to church yesterday and had to take a detour because the roads had been flooded by heavy rains and many homes were ruined by the flood damage causing angst and consternation for those Thomasville Georgia residents who were impacted. I read this morning that boats, docks, roads, and bridges are being battered and destroyed on the coast by Tropical Storm Debbie as it comes ashore 60 miles south of us. Business owners and residents alike are being adversely affected by the storm’s angry lashing.
By contrast, at Honey Lake we’ve experienced severe drought and a rain deficit of 28 inches and are dancing in the streets that at long last we are getting rain to soak the parched ground and reduce the extreme fire hazard, make our crops grow, and refill our fish ponds. Actually a tropical storm is about the only remedy to our dire situation especially with the Florida aquifer being so dangerously low.
Hmmm…The same events affect people in vastly different ways.
Thank goodness God is in charge and that He has a plan and is working things out according to His schedule and according to good for those who love Him.
I suppose one thing I take away from this morning’s discussion is that I should not be so quick to think that everything is about ME. Many lives are affected in many ways and it is far too complex for my simpleton mind to try and discern God’s purpose for every good or bad thing that happens.
In the end we should just trust Him and ask Him to draw near. Some things are just above our pay grade and perhaps we shouldn’t even try to understand, rather merely accept it as it is doled out and thank God for everything He does. He loved us enough to send His only Son to die for us and that says it all about how much He loves us. He wants only the best for all of us.
Eccl 12:13
Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole [duty] of man.